Missing Enmar Already

I have just been hit with how much I am going to really, really, truly miss Enmar.

He is the center and core of our Robotics team, and I can't imagine this family without him. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I know he's leaving off to "far, far away" to go to college. So this is really the end.

There will never be another FIRST season with Enmar by our side.

The only reason I'm not in happy-sad-sentimental tears is because he is still a part of my Moonbots team. I don't have to say "Goodbye" quite yet. But we're so close to it. And part of it is already older.

He's like a big brother and a good friend at the same time. I will miss the random and rather odd moments of Enmar Affection. Including, but not limited to, rubbing my head or hugging me from behind while yelling "RAPE!".

He had a great sense of humor, a weird laugh, and I wish he hadn't felt so put-upon during his last year here. I really hope he remembers this as a good thing, and not a stressful hunk of yuck.

I'm going to miss all of the seniors next year, and it's looking like there's going to be quite a bit of member changing going on to form a different team... but Enmar still seems to be the major loss for me, because I'm missing him already.

Confrontation

I am absolutely terrified of confrontation. Of any confrontation.

Let's say I go to the bathroom at school. If there's another person in the bathroom I have to wait for them to leave before I can exit the stall because I don't want to have to confront the possibility of talking to them. I know it's stupid, I know nothing at all bad would happen, but it still scares me.

Or I'm at a stop sign and there's another car at the same intersection. I get a panic attack and freeze up because even if I know which of us has the right of way, I still don't know who is going to go first. That's why I failed my first driving test.

And when someone, anyone, catches me doing something wrong, I will lie about it.

I can't help it. It's compulsive. Even though I know it's a terrible idea and it's only going to get me into deeper trouble I am so absolutely terrified of that person being mad at me that I can't tell them the truth and admit I fucked up. I try to lie and smooth it over so they won't get upset with me. I know it will only get worse, but I will still do it. Every. Time.

This is why I try to live an honest life. Not because I think it's the right thing to do (although it is) but so that there won't be any reason for me to lie.

I know where this stems from. I am completely aware this is another offshoot of my Daddy Complex. When I was a kid my dad would could shoulder me and down talk me if I did even the slightest thing out of his taste, and so I desperately tried to cover it up whenever I screwed up.

So, yeah. I know I have a problem. I know why I have a problem. I am willing to admit this and ask for help.

Which means I think it's completely uncalled for that my Mom's initial reaction is to say I'm insulting her by saying talking to her could possibly be a sort of confrontation, and that her proceeding to make fun of me for admitting I even have problems talking to people at school in the bathroom is just mean spirited. I don't know what to say. She and my brother were both laughing, but I was crying. Even if it was a joke, even if my fears are utterly ridiculous and are practically begging to be made fun of... They are still my fears, and they are legitimate enough to me that it hurts me when they are made fun of. If I am crying it is not funny.

I Am Petty

There are two gossiping older ladies sitting in my spot.

Okay, I know it's not technically my spot. There are twenty-eight days out of the month that I am not staying here and that other people sit at that table. But when I am here, that is my spot. It's the table with the power outlet next to it! It's located at the side of the room next to a wall where I can be out of the way and sit there for four hours with no one caring. And there are gossiping ladies sitting there.

I am greatly displeased.

This feels unfair for some reason. I've been going to this hotel for over six years now. I've seen four sets of staff come and go, I've seen the building change franchises. Through all of this, I have sat in that seat.

In addition to being forced to sit in the table next to them (in order to be close enough to plug in), I am being forced into listening to their gossip.

I am still greatly displeased.

Now they're not sitting anymore. They're getting ready to leave. But they're still just standing there, next to my table, gossiping. I have no clue when they'll leave.

I am aware I am being petty.

Don't be So Genderist

Genderist.

It's like sexist, but instead of discriminating against a gender, the individual is discriminating against both genders being outside the gender "box".

It is my new pet peeve.

My mother can not get it through her head that Brandon is my Best Friend, with those wonderful capital letters denoting he means more to me then I can rightfully describe with words, and that he understands me better then all of my other friends combined.

No offense to any of my other friends reading this. I love you, too. It's just not the same flavor of love.

I can trust him to be there for me no matter what. I can trust him to never judge me, no matter what. We have so much in common it's scary.

More then that, our relationship is "safe". He's like my Nakama (Brandon, as I'm sure you're reading this, it's a One Piece term I'll tell you about later). I'm not going to worry about anything about it. That's an achievement for me, I'm a worry-whore.

My mother can not get this through her head, and is mistaking my love for Brandon as romantic sort. After I got home from his house one of her questions was, "So, do you think he likes you?". This is after she has been informed he has a girlfriend he is completely besotted with, and that Brandon is my Best Friend. This makes me want to tear at my hair and tell her she's missing the point.

Gahasd;lfkjas.
^General noise of frustration.

Build Season is OVER!

I begin writing this with three minutes until midnight.

Today marks the end of build season.

Today is the end of late nights, the end of excused chores and late homework. Today is the end of Mountain Dew and Pizza being the staples of life. Today is the end of bad programming and physics jokes, endless That’s-What-She-Said puns, and the joking questioning of everyone’s sexuality. Today is the end of abusing the label maker at three in the morning to put “Gullible” on the ceiling. Today is the end of massive pool noodle fights because the “code is compiling”. Today is the end of “I hope this works” after you have checked it for weeks, to see it finally does. Today is the end of build season.

While this moment is not the end of FIRST Robotics, as the competition is yet to come, it is the end of many pieces that we will miss from our lives. The all-absorbing obsession of robotics is coming to a close. For many it is coming to a final close, as they are seniors and will never have this experience again. It’s sad to think about.

As my team scrambles around at the last minute to pack our crate, bickering like crazy, I finally realize why I am going to miss this so much. Over the past six weeks Roboteknix has built more than a Robot.

We have built a family.

A horribly corrupt, ill-fitting, dysfunctional family that will never cease arguing, but it is a family none the less.

As Thomas has been reminded merely minutes ago, this is not a club. This is far more then any little school extracurricular, this is a FIRST Robotics Team. There is so much more that comes with that package when you sign up. For better or for worse, you are stuck with these guys to live with and problem solve for the next six weeks.

These six weeks have been some of the most productive, most intense, most enjoyable, and yes, probably the most stressful, I can say I have experienced. It was well worth it.

Better still, it’s not over yet.

The competition lays ahead – regionals and championships, prizes to be taken, teams to meat, collaborations to be made, friends to acquire. This is not the most important part, by far, but it’s going to be FUN.

See you there,
Team 2865 Roboteknix,
Claire

(You can see the post HERE. I do not see posting this as my blog post as cheating, as I did start this FOR my blog, but decided I wanted to share.)

Northwest College of Art

Dude. So. Today I heard back from the Northwest College of Art, the one and only college I want to go to. (Yeah, I know, I need to broaden my horizons. I don't care.) And. I have a tour scheduled over spring break, so I get to go down for Sakura Con AND hang out at the college of my dreams the day before! It's going to be awesome. They even sent me a picture drawn by a student in the email. [See!]

NWCA has been my #1 school choice for about a year now. It's a really small privately run art school with a student body of about 90. All of their classes are art centric. Instead of learning US History, you can learn about The History of European Art or some such other course. They don't even offer hard math classes! As the speaker said, about 70% of their curriculum is art related, where most schools hold out at about 50%.

I'm really excited to get to stop by and see the campus, as I honestly haven't even considered more then one or two other places, and those other places I am considering are just "meh". I'm hoping to sign up for the pre-college correspondence course, in an effort to sink my teeth in early. Maybe I'll convince them they should admit me before I even have to apply.

(On an unrelated note, it's FUN talking about which guys are the hottest in Robotics with Brandon. Creeps the hell out of the people listening. [And don't worry Colton, you're still the one for me. <3])

Ha-HA!

Today when I came home my mother accosted me and demanded to know why I was using a picture of myself as my avatar on Chief Delphi, never mind that half the users do it, and that that particular photo had already been posted on our team's website. She got mad about it and lectured me for a while.

After that she told me I have to clean the kitchen (which was in shambles) or I couldn't go to Robotics.

I calmly explained why I chose to use the photograph, and accepted the fact that the kitchen did need to be cleaned. Facts of life. After all, I had already spent the day horribly stressed at Robotics, it wasn't like anything she threw at me was going to make my day worse.

She then admitted she was trying to make me blow up and get mad, and have a horrible day. Her motivation? She was having a horrible day herself, and is apparently half way through a mid-life-crisis. And on her period.

My first thought was, "Wow, that's bitchy!". Then I told her I had a bad day at Robotics, and she might as well be throwing stones at a brick wall.

I then commenced cleaning the kitchen by plugging in my MP3 player, turning it up really loud, and playing fast happy music. I danced like an idiot the entire time, and I feel much, much better. Happy, even.

Thank you mother for trying to kill my day, I think you just about made it instead.